


I’m cold as the wind blows (so hold me in your arms)

by moxiemorton



Series: I'm stuck in the dark (but you're my flashlight) [5]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-04 23:19:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14031033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxiemorton/pseuds/moxiemorton
Summary: Bemily Week Day 5 - friends with benefitsIs Beca just touch-starved or does she actually like Emily?? or???? both??????? probably both





	I’m cold as the wind blows (so hold me in your arms)

**Author's Note:**

> so like...I know “friends with benefits” usually means like...naughty things with no strings attached but I can’t really see these two awkward dorks ever doing something like that, so this is a very, very G-rated version

Beca doesn’t hate her parents.

Of course, she didn’t feel the same right after the divorce. She hated them with all her little preteen guts and wanted to run away to prove to them that she wanted new parents.

She never actually did, but the thought counted, in her book.

She doesn’t hate them because of that, at least not at this point in her life. It’d been years and she’d gotten over that angst-filled part of her life, eventually growing to accept that people and relationships change and that sometimes it’s better for parents to be separated and civil than together and constantly angry.

No, Beca doesn’t hate her parents.

She hates what they made her into.

Distant. Moody. Sharp. Hard. Closed-off. Unfriendly. Sarcastic.

Bitter towards love.

It had never mattered how much she was into a relationship; her issues with opening up had held her back when it came to expressing her feelings. It took her months after their first kiss at the ICCA championships to even consider Jesse as more than a friend. It took even longer to start dating him. And even then, Beca never felt comfortable telling him “I love you.” He said it, countless times.

She could only bring herself to say “me too.”

And she’s fine with it. Really. She’s never really considered settling down with a husband and kids any time within the next century, and she could live without solid commitment.

Really. She can.

Or at least, that’s what she’d thought until a certain freshman giraffe enters her life and proceeds to fuck up Beca’s carefully constructed walls.

And it all started from that one goddamn nap.

After coming home from an exhausting day at her internship, Beca had simply collapsed on the living room carpet while dragging a pillow down from the couch. She hadn’t even bothered to change out of her work clothes.

When she wakes up, she’s surrounded.

On one side is Chloe, a sight she’s almost accustomed to waking up to. The ginger has crawled into Beca’s bed more times than either of could count, and despite her constant rejection of human touch, she’d grown used to Chloe to the point that it barely even registers on her radar.

On the other side is Emily.

And Beca freezes.

They’re both fast asleep, Chloe clutching one of Beca’s arms and Emily’s cheek pressed against Beca’s shoulder. The former, she can shove away as usual. The latter….well…

_Damn it, Mitchell. Why’d you have to go and fall for the legacy, huh? Wouldn’t it have been so much easier to go for Chloe? Look at her, she’s practically on top of you!_

But she cuts her own monologue off and rolls her eyes. Figures she would go for the girl who’s just as awkward as she is when it comes to stuff like this. Beca’s watched Emily interact with Benji on multiple occasions, and while Benji is as awkward as they come, Emily had come very close as runner-up. And while she could’ve crushed on the more confident, adventurous, experienced Chloe Beale, Beca — for some unseeable reason — is head over heels for the newest Bella.

Just her luck.

Beca knows this was Chloe’s idea. She can almost hear her excited voice saying, “Shhh! Look, Em! Aww, she’s just passed out on the floor like a puppy. You wanna nap with her?” And she can also hear Emily’s more confused and tentative voice. “Uhhhhh… I-uh. We? With? B-Beca? Won’t she kill us or something?” And Chloe’s reply, “Oh, please. She’s a softie, just look at her.”

The freshman is not one to go against her seniors’ wishes, so she probably settled down nervously and a safe distance away before eventually scooching towards Beca to gather some warmth on the chilly carpet.

Beca gets up slowly so as to not wake either of them, though Chloe is more or less clutching onto her arm like a lifeline. She spares one last glance at Emily’s sleeping face, peaceful and soft, before she shoots up from her position on the floor. Without another glance, she storms out of the room with a huff. She backtracks almost immediately and grabs a blanket from the couch before throwing it on top of the napping pair.

And Beca wants to leave it at that and forget how nice it had felt to have Emily next to her like that. But then worst thing imaginable happens. Almost as if the nap had been a gateway drug, Emily begins to show more and more affection towards the tiny and angry senior. She starts hugging Beca just as much as the other Bellas. She touches or bumps Beca’s shoulder whenever she makes a sarcastic remark. She sits next to Beca during Bella movie nights (which Beca  _hates_  so she usually sits in with her laptop to work on mixes) and prompts the senior to rest her head on her shoulder. She rests her chin on top of Beca’s head whenever they’re standing around.

And it’s not long before she begins to crave Emily’s touch and affection.

And Beca  _hates_ it.

Not Emily. No, she definitely does  _not_  hate Emily.

She hates that she’s like this, so unused to commitment and love and feelings and shit. Nothing about her parents’ relationship had prepared her for any of this, and the only True Love and Romance lessons and talks she got are from cheesy rom coms and teen novels.

Maybe that’s why she has a problem with movies.

And she hates how accommodating Emily is. How she never questions why Beca’s letting her hug her or touch her or share any form of affection. How she comes right over to the Bella house when Beca invites her over to hang out or study. How she lets Beca lay on her lap or nap next to her or cuddle up to her when the senior is bored.

Sooner or later, she has to bring it up. It’s unfair to Emily for her to rely on the freshman so much for something as dumb as physical affection, especially since she doesn’t know that Beca is hardcore crushing on her. All she has to do is ask,  _hey, is it cool that I’m totally dependant on your touchiness and ability to share affection because I’m actually devoid of outward showings of love and care and need you to stay by my side so I don’t spiral into a vortex of loveless depression?_

All right, maybe that’s a little excessive. But she does have to talk to Emily. Eventually…

She tries and fails so many times that she’s lost count.

But then she has a shitty day at work again and Beca ends up calling Emily to come do homework with her at the Bella house and the freshman shows up without any hesitation and Beca can’t keep ignoring and pushing down her feelings for this girl.

She’s lying on her bed, Emily’s head resting on her stomach, and looking up at the sheet music that’s blurring in front of her eyes. Every breath she takes, she feels Emily’s head rising a little with her abdomen.

And it feels so right, so comfortable, so  _domestic_  that Beca doesn’t even know what to think.

_It’s now or never, you idiot._

“Hey, uh.” Beca tries to find a wording for the question that doesn’t make it sound like she’s being a total asshole, but can’t think of any graceful way to approach the subject. “What are we…doing?”

Emily lifts her head a little from its place on Beca’s stomach and shoots her an innocently puzzled look.

“Homework?”

Beca breathes out a small laugh. “No, uh. I mean like… you know.”

“I do?”

“Don’t make me spell it out, Legacy.”

Her tone comes off as harsh, but Emily just quirks an eyebrow at her and shrugs. “Maybe I want you to spell it out,” she teases, and Beca is immediately struck by how adorable Emily is.

“I… fuck. Um. Well I… uh. Shit.” If she wasn’t so overwhelmingly flustered, Beca could laugh at how dumb she sounds right now. “Okay, uh. So… we’ve been spending a lot of time together. And you… we… touch a lot. Holy  _shit_  that’s not what I meant. Sorry. We’re… uh.” Beca looks at Emily helplessly. “What are we?”

“Well,” Emily says, sitting up and facing her with a small smile. “What did you want us to be?”

“I… uh. I don’t…”

Emily’s smile grows, and Beca can’t friggen control her heartbeat. “Okay, how about this?” the freshman says gently, as if she doesn’t want to scare Beca away. “How do you feel about me?”

Beca’s not sure what she’d expected, but it definitely hadn’t been a confident and reassuring Emily. This girl is supposed to be just ask awkward and bumbling as she is when it comes to  _feelings_ , and yet it seems like Beca is the bumbling idiot. She looks up at Emily, who’s waiting patiently for an answer.

“I don’t think… I’m made for this,” Beca admits instead, letting out a dry laugh that sounds pitiful even to her own ears. “Just… feelings and emotions. I don’t really know how to handle them, you know?”

And suddenly it hits her that Emily is too good and too pure for her cynical ass, that Emily needs someone who knows love and affection, that Emily deserves the world. Beca has too many reservations about relationships, love, affection, and commitment. She isn’t what Emily needs.

And  _holy shit_ , she feels herself tearing up.

“Oh my — Beca… what… ?” Emily jumps up to grab a tissue from the nightstand. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. Oh… oh, my stars. Um. Wh-uh, what’s… why?”

“Shit. Fuck, I’m so sorry,” Beca says thickly, trying to brush this whole embarrassing ordeal with one of her I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-is-happening smiles. One look at Emily’s expression and she knows she failed miserably. “Oh, my Jesus. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Hey,” the freshman says, and her soothing tone just makes more tears fall out of Beca’s eyes.  _God, just friggen kill me already._ “It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Beca can’t help it; she lets out another humorless laugh and takes the tissues Emily hands her. “I’m just a mess, Em. I blame my parents divorce for shit like this, but really, it’s just me.” She dabs at her eyes to avoid Emily’s worried gaze. “I… want… God, I just have… a hugecrushonyou,” she says in one breath, and at first she thinks Emily didn’t pick up on the words, but then her expression clears.

“O-oh. I… yeah. I kinda picked up on it.”

“You picked up on it?” Beca says, managing to sound indignant through her pathetic tears. “And you didn’t say anything? You didn’t think it was fucked up?”

“Wh-n-no?” Emily stutters. “I didn’t think it was… messed up. Not at all. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think you’d want me to.” She shrugs easily. “I thought you’d rather it be more of a friends-with-benefits type of thing, so I kind of just let it happen. Plus, you’re the perfect size for cuddling.”

Beca should be pissed at the quip about her height, but instead, she feels herself blushing.

_Oh my lord, first crying, now blushing? What the hell, Mitchell? Get your shit together!_

“You dork,” is all she manages to choke out.

Emily smiles again, and Beca’s not sure she can handle much more. “Hey,” she whispers softly to Beca. “Don’t force yourself, okay? I don’t mind doing what we’re doing now, so there’s no pressure. We’re good where we are now, aren’t we?”

“And where are we, Em? What are we even doing?”

“We’re just, like, you know. Two friends. Who occasionally cuddle. Who enjoy each other’s company. Who have feelings for each other but don’t really want to put on a label for it. Right?”

“And you’re okay with that?”

Beca’s starting to feel weak and emotional from Emily’s warm smile. “Beca,” she says, scooting closer and bringing their foreheads together. “You know, there was this guy in high school I used to see. Couldn’t really call him a boyfriend, couldn’t really consider us dating, even if we were basically a couple.” She brushes small circles on Beca’s kneecap with her thumb. “All I wanted back then was certainty. I wanted to know that I had him, that he was mine. But now… now, Beca, I don’t need that.”

“Certainty?”

“Yeah.”

“You… can seriously live on this wishy-washy thing we have here? Right after said you’ve been through something similar?”

“Well, that’s the thing,” Emily says, hooking a finger under Beca’s chin and meeting her eyes. “Having you by my side is more than enough certainty. Just having you trust me and open up to me is worth more than any relationship I could have.”

And now Beca’s crying for real, and she honestly just wants to crawl into a ball and die, but Emily pulls her into a hug before she can run away. She clutches onto the younger girl, sinking into the embrace.

“Holy — fuck. You’re the worst,” she blubbers out.

“Am I?” Emily says with a small laugh, handing Beca another tissue.

She sniffles and wipes at her nose. “No,” she says quietly, “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Beca blushes when Emily beams at her. “Now who’s the dork?”

**Author's Note:**

> title song: Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran
> 
> send over some prompts that will potentially go unanswered: http://moxiemorton.tumblr.com/


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